Navigating romantic and sexual relationships as a young person is a bit like setting off on a road trip with Google Maps refusing to load. From the thrill and nervousness of first time sex, to the complexities of defining boundaries, it’s likely young people will feel overwhelmed as they try and figure it out.
As professionals working with young people, you have an opportunity to help them navigate these challenges and arm them with the tools to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy behaviours – AKA red flags.
Because, while many relationships bring joy and fulfillment, it’s vital to acknowledge that unhealthy relationships also exist, with coercive, controlling or unhealthy behaviour that quickly takes a toll on mental, physical, and emotional well-being.
Understanding the nuances of healthy relationships is complicated and can include complex topics like consent, boundaries, domestic violence, and abuse – areas where professionals specialised in these fields can offer support.
In this article, we’re focusing mainly on the intersection of healthy and unhealthy relationships in the context of sexual health. We don’t expect you to have all the answers, but young people will trust you in your role and open up to you about relationship difficulties. Having more information and knowing where you can go for help is important.
Warning: If someone is in imminent physical or other danger, always contact emergency services on 000 immediately. It is also important to keep in mind your Mandatory Reporting responsibility for disclosures that may arise from discussions around consent.
Before talking to young people about the importance of healthy relationships, it’s important to first understand what a healthy relationship looks like, so that you can confidently explain it to a young person. Examples and anecdotes are a good way to do this, which is why we’ve created this easy-to-refer-to table.
Both partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns openly and respectfully.
Example: Mohammed and Taylor are in a relationship and want to start having sex. They openly share their concerns, past experiences, likes and dislikes before, fostering a deeper connection and ensuring that no-one is pressured into doing anything they don’t want to.
Mutual trust and respect are the foundation of the relationship, with both partners valuing each other’s opinions, boundaries, and autonomy.
Example: Priya respects Mark’s choice to prioritise their sexual health by agreeing to get an STI test before having sex.
Each partner respects the other’s boundaries, including physical, emotional, and personal boundaries, and communicates openly about their needs and limitations.
Example: Rachel isn’t ready for sex. Instead of pressuring her, Mark tells Rachel he understands and they chat about what Rachel is ready for. They both acknowledge that these boundaries can change at any time, and agree to discuss the topic regularly.
Conflicts are addressed constructively and respectfully, with both partners listening to each other’s perspectives, seeking compromise, and working towards solutions together.
Example: Seung wants to see more of their partner Mia, who is studying and working so has limited free time and struggles with last minute plans. Instead of getting angry, they discuss the issue openly and work together to find creative solutions, such as scheduling regular date nights that work around Mia’s schedule and agreeing to message to say hello each day and help Seung feel connected.
Both partners prioritise mutual consent and respect each other’s boundaries, including in sexual interactions, and prioritise each other’s comfort and well-being.
Example: Jiah wants to keep using condoms even though they and their partner Charlie have been tested for STIs and Jiah takes PrEP. Charlie would like to stop using condoms but understands it is Jiah’s choice. Charlie respects and supports Jiah’s choice, and proactively says this.
Relationship red flags are warning signs that signal potentially unhealthy or manipulative behaviour in a relationship. Identifying red flags can be challenging as they aren’t always obvious – which makes them even more dangerous.
Below are some common relationship red flags that professionals can familiarise themselves with and use to guide discussions with young people about healthy relationships.
Constant suspicion, jealousy, or monitoring of partner’s activities.
Example: Alex constantly checks Anna’s phone and social media accounts, accusing her of cheating without any proof. This leads to constant arguments and Anna feeling unsafe and unsupported.
One partner is controlling and makes decisions about what their partner can or can’t do.
Example: Sam is always commenting on Taylor’s appearance and clothing choices, even telling Taylor not to wear particular outfits. Sam has also stopped Taylor from speaking to certain friends.
Encouraging or enforcing isolation from friends, family, or support networks, limiting social interactions.
Example: Dan’s partner keeps saying that they’re the only person he should need, actively encouraging him to not spend time with anyone else, including friends and family.
Pressuring or manipulating a partner into doing things they are uncomfortable with, including sexual activities or risky behaviors such as condomless sex.
Example: Jamie doesn’t want to have sex yet, but their partner is continually asking and pressuring saying things like ‘you would if you really loved me’.
Disregard for the other person’s feelings, opinions, or boundaries, including belittling or demeaning language.
Example: Alex is constantly calling their partner cruel and unkind names during arguments. In public, Alex makes jokes and criticises their partner, making them feel small and embarrassed.
Any form of physical violence, threats, intimidation, or emotional manipulation aimed at controlling or harming the partner.
Example: Many of the examples in this table are emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can make you feel ‘crazy’ or trapped, out of control. Physical abuse involves the deliberate use of physical force to cause fear or harm. Even if it doesn’t result in visible injury or pain, it is still physical abuse. This can include pushing, shoving, hitting, throwing or hitting objects, and restraining. Anyone, including young people in physical danger should call 000 immediately.
Ignoring or disregarding the other person’s boundaries or consent, including pressuring or coercing them into sexual activities against their will.
Example: Consent is an important and complex topic. Please see our previous article ‘Beyond Yes and No: How to navigate conversations about consent with young people’.
Discussing healthy relationships with young people starts with creating a safe and non-judgmental space where they feel comfortable expressing themselves. Like with all sexual health topics, use jargon-free, stigma-free language.
Specifically, always reinforce the idea that experiencing unhealthy relationship dynamics is never their fault. By emphasising that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity, you can help empower young people to recognise and address relationship red flags.
Interactive tools are the perfect way to engage young people in topics about sexual health and healthy relationships as they take away some of the pressure of 1-2-1 conversations. Play Safe Pro’s Scenarios and Alphabet Soup are a great start, presenting hypothetical situations that foster learning and discussion.
The Department of Communities and Justice (DCJ) have also shared examples of other organisations across NSW and how they implement healthy relationship discussions into their programs and services.
Some of our these are:
In the Council for Boys and Young Men, participants learn about healthy relationships by writing questions about relationships anonymously, and then discussing questions in a group-setting
In Media Aware (Sexual Health Program for Young Adults), students explore media representations of romantic relationships and consider portrayals of unhealthy and abusive relationship behaviours, compared with realities of unhealthy and abusive romantic relationships
In Guy Talk, one of eight interactive lessons focuses on managing relationships. These lessons are delivered via small and large group discussion, small group practice and individual and paired activities
You can find out more about these.
Defining what is healthy and unhealthy is an important part of young people’s journey towards fulfilling, safe, and consensual romantic and sexual relationships. We hope that the above helps guide your discussions. However, it’s always important to recognise the limitations of your role, and immediately direct young people to other sources if they have concerns, questions, or are in immediate danger.
This topic may also bring up things for you, so we encourage you to reach out for support if you need it.
1800 Respect– a confidential information, counselling and support service for people experiencing domestic or sexual violence
Relationships Australia– provider of relationship support services for individuals and families
Lifeline– 24 hour crisis support and suicide prevention
Fullstop Australia– provides counselling, training and advocacy to support people impacted by sexual, domestic and family violence
NSW Sexual Assault Services– every NSW local health district has a Sexual Assault Service that operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week
NSW Sexual Health Infolink– for general sexual health and STI enquiries
000 if they are in immediate danger
